Feelings

I just watched a video from an acquaintance who always does amazing posts and is really inspiring, and she talks about feeling. Not ignoring them and pushing them down, but embracing them.

She talks about eating disorders in particular, which is something to which I can relate, and how the illness makes you a robot - completely disconnected from all bodily feelings.

It made me think:
1. how strange is it that the body can completely separate itself from feelings.
With an eating disorder you don't know when you are hungry, when you suffer, when your body is about to give in - it is all subconsciously there, but it is carefully ignored. And it takes years to learn again when you are hungry or tired for example.

2. How far can you push your body?
In the midst of my ED I remember - and I know a lot of people will recognise themselves in this - I was eating on average a pot of low fat yogurt with sugar free jelly a day, and going to the gym five times a day. Thinking about it now, it is scary to think my body went with it for so long, without giving up.
Of course it was a race towards permanent damage or even death, but is it for survival purposes that feelings can be blocked out? If I had been able to properly feel remorse, fear, joint pain, hunger, compassion for my family who had to see me go through all this shit or anything other than the 'I am fat' voice, would I have simply dropped dead on the floor?

3. Do feelings exists independently?
Are they like bodily functions? Simply the bodily functions of the brain? They are universal, they are timeless - people had the same feelings as us 2000 years ago - so what are they exactly?

This was the thought of the day.

Selling yourself

It happens every once so often when you're young and more and more frequently as you grow older: you become part of the consumption - as potentially consumable object.

I remember my first self-worth test. The entry test to my secondary school. I had to write a short essay and fill in various grammar and history questions. I was very relaxed. Way too relaxed according to my parents. Why?
1. I really did not want to go to that school (because my best friend was attending another)
2. I had no idea whatsoever of the positive aspects it could have on my life - because my life was about my dog, climbing trees, pretending to be a adventurer, judo and inventing stories. And that was it. Attending an international school was not part of my plans.

The point is, I still had to prove to a bunch of other human beings that I was worthy enough of this school. And with age it only became worst: UCAS, job interviews, postgraduate applications, more job interviews, more applications, funding forms, internship interviews, VOLUNTEER (!) position interviews (pleeeeease employ me for some slave job for which I won't be paid!!) ...

The problem is: I am AWFUL at selling myself. I hate having to prove my worth. Either I am worth something or I am not - interviewers should see this by looking at my qualifications and having a chat with me, or simply trying me out. Because I cannot tell you why I am oh so great to do this job. It's always the same lines anyways.